I must start off with apologies for not having posted in such a long time. I did not take a summer vacation from writing; I took a summer vacation from my old habits of stressing out over every little challenge in life and feeling like I'm close to death if I'm not doing one hundred things at the same time. I used to blame this on my activism and the passion inherent in any good activist, but from studying with the Metta Mentors and Michael Nagler in Berkeley, I learned that the only true challenge I will ever have to face (now that I understand the roots of my problems) is my own mind and how it manifests its will.
I hope this vacation lasts the rest of my life.
I started my very first paid full-time job only two weeks ago when I first got back in mid-August. I was apprehensive, to put it mildly. I barely had a chance to collect my thoughts before I found myself setting my alarm for 6:30 a.m. and asking Mom to pack me a lunch (yes, I'm still a schoolboy at heart). I had always struggled in the working world, but I had a feeling it would be different this time around. When I got news from Berkeley that I would be hired as a reasonably-paid, full-time assistant teacher for an organization whose values I strongly agreed with, I wanted to throw a party. The good news immediately washed away all the cynicism I had carried with me to the West Coast after a year of searching for my first "real" job. Maybe my standards were too high: A "real" job for me was doing something I truly wanted to do, something that would truly benefit myself and my fellow human being, as well as making enough money and receiving enough benefits to maintain the basic necessities of life. These days in the United States, this seems like asking for a lot. But I find this reality to be unacceptable.
I fought on and insisted that the right job would come my way if I kept trying. I was close to securing a lesser job just before I left for California when I was rejected for another candidate by a former boss. The very next day was when my current supervisors contacted me about an even better position, one that I had applied for at least twice before and had not even gotten an interview.
This time was different. Not only did I get an initial phone interview, I was invited to tour the New Beginnings facility (I had volunteered at the previous facility in my senior year of college - a youth detention center called Oak Hill that is now out of use) as step two in the process. The only problem was I already had a plane ticket to San Francisco and they couldn't schedule me in before I had to leave. Before I left, I e-mailed the director and proclaimed that if they gave me a second phone interview, as they implied they might instead of the on-site interview, I would impress them so much that they would hire me without a further step.
The phone interview took place in June, after I had arrived in Berkeley, I thought my presentation was a bit unimpressive compared to my initial interview and cover letter (which I had already used when I applied for the same position over a year ago), but during the question and answer period at the end, I did my best to show that I had a lot of bold ideas I would be willing to attempt if hired. I talked about teaching the incarcerated scholars media literacy and nonviolence. Almost everything I said struck a chord with my main interviewer. I learned in the moment that she was already teaching a course on advocacy that included media-making. I came away from it with a good feeling.
So the plan worked. I was elated but held steady because it was unclear if I would be able to start work after my summer program in Berkeley ended. I had to compromise with my soon-to-be supervisor and forfeit a week of pay, but I was able to make everything work. But of course, in typical first-day fashion, I missed over half the opening ceremony by showing up at the wrong place and not realizing it (though I was 30 minutes early). And that wasn't the only awkward moment of the day (I wish it were).
I did my best to concentrate on the first two weeks of work and get to know my colleagues. I wish the youth were as nice and respectful, but I am optimistic that I can make a difference and that the job is what I need in my life right now.
The challenge for me now is that last Friday I picked up my beloved Fumi at Dulles. It was a long, grueling day that included CPR training running an hour over the usual work departure time. When I picked her up without much trouble and then had to struggle through traffic, I thought the worst was over...until I got lost for over an hour on the way back from dinner. I'd rather not say anything more about this. It tested every ounce of my resolve. It even made me late for my second job. But I turned my night around and made every single person I counseled happier than when she started; I had a wonderful first night with my sweetheart; I got up to face the new day, complete with its own set of challenges. I'm healthier and stronger now than I've ever been. I want the world to know that I'm ready for it and that no amount of obstacles will cause me to stumble. I am a new man.
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